In my zeal for being kind to the rest of the world, I forgot to think about a really important person I should always be kind to: myself. Somehow in the blur of growing up with four older, beautiful, musical, intelligent, athletic sisters I got the message that not only wasn’t I ‘enough’ just as I was, but that I was behind, inferior, not good enough, but maybe, just MAYBE, if I ran really fast, and hard, and worked beyond any normal kind of pace, someday I may approach okayness. That critical voice became very loud, very strong, very powerful. “Why did you DO that? You’re so stupid!” If I strain my ears, I can still faintly hear her, way in the back of my consciousness. Or maybe from outside my House, screaming through a closed window. I’m not sure.
What is it that makes us do that? Do we think we’ll actually want to do better if we’re yelled at? Does it work with our kids? Criticism, belittling, sarcasm? Nope - never works. At least, not in the long run. They may do what you tell them, or try to NOT do what you tell them NOT to do, but their whole modus operandi will be a defensive one, operating on an external loci not on the crucial Internal Core. Our job as we’re growing up is to shape and form our Cores, to discover Who We Are through safe exploration. Do I like pizza? What kind of pizza? Do I like music? What kind of music? What makes me happy? Do I love to dance? On and on the list goes.
Intuitively I think I did all right. Let me back up: I’m not blaming anyone for anything - I think it was just hardwired into the system. But I think society also tells us (mainly the women) that we need to think of others, be nurturing, take care of others, put others before ourselves, or else we’re… self-centered and selfish (two AWFUL words to hear!!!!). But I put forth a new thought - what’s so wrong about being SELF centered? Isn’t that the point of it all? If we’re not in the center of our Selves, where in the heck ARE we? Out ‘there’ somewhere? And if we treat ourselves as we would treat our most beloved, what would that look like?
Make a kindness list for yourself. What do you like about yourself. What are your strengths, your gifts, the wonderful parts of yourself? It used to be that my ‘what’s wrong with me’ list was WAY longer than any ‘what’s right with me’ list, but that has changed. Why? Because I’m beginning to understand that the very things I think may be ‘wrong’ about me are also my greatest weaknesses, and there’s really no need to categorize anything. In that big Susie Soup ALL is perfect and beautiful and… just IS. So make your list if you’re interested. I keep adding to mine (just like I keep adding to my Bucket List). It may change, you may change, so cross things off if they are no longer relevant, but chances are that whatever you list is what you’re working on integrating and healing. Maybe. That just seems to be how it works.
Be kind to yourself, not only today, but every single day of your life, until you close your eyes for the last time, sighing, your last thought being, “Wow - what a life! Now THAT was some fun and I totally ROCKED IT!” - THAT’S what I want to hear. Make it happen. Be kind, not only to everyone else, but to yourself, because you’re fabulous, and so so worthy of the very best of everything. This I know for sure.