Through the treacherous waters of my first marriage I held my small children tightly to me, watching for the rocks and the white-capped waves that threatened to sweep us under and rip us apart. I wrapped my big arms around them, protecting them, cuddling them, keeping them warm. We played cards every night, I read to them, we had jigsaw marathons in the living room, took camping trips. I kept my eyes firmly locked with theirs so they didn’t see the monsters lurking in the corners. I tried, with every ounce of my being, to give them sweet childhoods in the midst of the immense sour.
My two oldest children are now adults, and they are breathtakingly amazing. I will not brag about them but I am very proud of who they keep becoming. But as I talk with my daughter, I’m struck by the question: did I do TOO much for them, in my quest for their protection and happiness? Is it possible to be the WRONG kind of kind? Could I have fostered more independence in them when they were younger, give them more slack line, let it out a little so they could have felt more autonomy from me? When was it no longer dangerous? Do I still hold them too closely to me, do I strike the proper balance between nurturing them and letting them nurture themselves? Am I changing any of my parenting skills with my third child, or am I still holding him tightly against me, to protect him from the rapids of life?
I don’t know. I had the best childhood ever, yet I felt I wanted to have been protected more in some areas, so I think I overcompensate with my own kids. I want to make SURE they know I love them, I’m here for them, I’ll take care of them. And I do. Even as adults, the insurance companies mess up, cars need to be sold, living arrangements are fluid, our garage is a holding place for transitional dishes and appliances. I don’t know. I think it’s just part of who I am. I NURTURE. That’s how I show love. I want to bake for my family, buy them things, make their lives easier for them however I’m able. But is that MY needs that I’m trying to meet by being kind, or am I truly being kind, just to be kind, and in the kindest way? I don’t know. How much kind is the right amount of kind? That’s what I’m thinking about today. I remain kind, I do, on Day 18 and beyond, but today I’m working on my definition of kind and what that means in my life, and in my interactions with others.