I’m conscious, more mindful, pre-planning my optimism and cheer. When I feel a complaint start to rise, I recognize it, look at it, and breathe through it, not releasing it to my husband. I have promised him I won’t be neurotic during this time, either, but I think that asking him 5 times if he’s happy I’m being kind for 28 days might qualify as mildly neurotic. At least I’m trying. I crawled onto his lap while he was watching the news and thanked him for being so kind to me, and apologized for being less than kind sometimes. “I love you no matter what,” he replied. And yes, I started crying. What is this thing, this unconditional love I get to experience over and over again? How is it that I could grow unconscious and automatic, so that even in my most unkind moments he STILL loves me?
It’s a gift, this marriage thing, this husband of mine, but do I appreciate it? Do I realize how precious it is? I’m glad I made this commitment, but it’s almost overwhelming, to look out over that ocean of commitment and marriage and promises and see just endless ocean. I thought I knew where to steer my boat, but I’m seeing there’s no set course. I just have to keep my eye on him and we can sail together. If I can be mean or kind and he still stays, that COULD mean I can just be mean all of the time, right? Well, not necessarily - I think there IS a finite amount of unkindness anyone can stand. HE could be mean a lot, and I know I’d stay. We’ve put in too much darn time, weathered too many storms, to give up easily. We STAY. So in that staying can come the creativity of togetherness. We can keep coming back to different ways of interacting and showing love and caring. We can keep figuring it out - with the same person, instead of throwing in the towel and starting all over again with someone else. I know there are valid reasons for leaving - I had them, and HE had them, first time around, but this time? This time we’re staying. And that allows us to go deep, I think. To fall in love again every day. To say “I choose you” every time we look at each other. To keep unfolding our souls to each other, one layer at a time.
Being kind to him is easier than I thought. Not complaining is harder than I thought. I will keep going. I asked him if he was happy with the new me, and he said, “it’s only been six hours, but yeah, I’m happy...” Six hours down, 666 to go.