I do not think the Universe is being kind to me today. I think It’s being a big old meanie, and I’m having a temper tantrum. I split myself into two separate beings. The one who’s having the tantrum, and the one who sees the bigger picture. Sometimes I hate that I can split, because I’d rather just have an ignorant, eyes-closed tantrum, so even though I know better, I still find myself pouting this afternoon. Life’s not fair. Yes, I know that. I need to be patient. Yes, I know that. Divine timing. Yes, I know that. It’s just right around the corner. Right there, right up ahead, just there, one more week, one more week, another week, okay, just one more week, you’re on the edge. Yes, I’ve been hearing that for five years now. I’m tired of it. Pretty tired of it all, actually. I have had dreams since I was 7 years old, and for some reason it’s painful today to not feel I’ll ever achieve my dream. It’s so painful that today I want to just give up. Just do something else. But I think I’ll do something else. Something else that combines my need for a tantrum with the higher spiritual perspective. I’ve done it before - I’m doing it again. Publicly this time. I call it my “Susie and the Golden Fleece” trick and it goes something like this: I am not going to go further on my spiritual journey until I receive rock solid positive proof that I’m fully supported on this journey. This proof needs to come in the form of a big breakthrough of some kind, felt and seen in a big, real way. I will know what it is when I see it, and I refuse to go further until I get my proof.
The last time I did this it was on my best friend’s 2 year old’s funeral. I was driving home and I was suddenly overcome with 100% panic. What if none of this ‘stuff’ was real? What if Kevin was just gone? The pain was almost unbearable. I had a crisis of faith, for sure, and I told God that I wouldn’t continue on my path until I got tangible proof that everything I believe was real. Then I panicked. Crap - what if I was stuck out in the spiritual wasteland for years with no light, no comfort, no hope? But almost instantaneously I felt God’s presence in the clouds, and I could feel Kevin right next to God. That was pretty powerful. I don’t know what to expect now, but I’m going out on that spiritual limb once more. I’ve had it. I’ve simply had enough. I will wait until I get confirmation from the Universe that my Work is supported. I don’t know if that’s being kind or not, but it’s about the kindest thing I can come up with today. Besides making my family spaghetti and meatballs. That was pretty kind.