I blew it. You know, you see it coming, and you try to hold it together. You breathe, think happy thoughts (or lofty thoughts, as I say), try to rise above it and see the broader view. But for some reason nothing worked. One child came in crabbing at me, after I had spent the afternoon trying to hold together a sticky situation. My patience was so thin if I held it up in front of me I could’ve seen right through it. I watched as the crabbiness moved with lightning speed through the house. It’s a disease, I’m telling you. Have you ever seen that movie where the evil spirit can jump from one person to the next, and the one who’s inhabited sings “Time is on my Side?” It was like that this afternoon. I ended up going for a fast walk (by myself), then going to the grocery store (alone).
I hate feeling this way, hate feeling unkind. I’m usually a kind person. I can say it’s because I haven’t been able to get to bed before 1AM for the past three weeks, I can say it’s because I’ve got too much going on right now, I can say it’s because of the cold, rainy weather. I suppose I can say anything I want to say, but the truth is that we have the opportunity to come back to kindness with every conversation, every encounter with every person we see throughout our days. I know that. Most of the time (I hope) I choose kindness, sometimes it just seems almost impossible to stay kind. I laugh, remembering my friend Laurel telling me (in front of my husband), “I can’t EVER imagine you getting angry!” and Steve just bursting into loud laughter. He didn’t mean it meanly, just that it took him by surprise that others see me as a person who’s never angry, because he DOES see me angry. Not THAT much (I don’t think), but sometimes. Remember, I had to make a 28 day pledge of kindness, so you know I’m not ALWAYS a nice person.
I think what I strive for the most is the energy directed toward my family as directed out to the world. Kindness in, kindness out. Anger in, anger out. Not just always kindness out, anger in. That’s not fair. I know I do that sometimes. Maybe we all do that sometimes. We’d rather strangers see us as kind than our own family. Maybe we think they don’t matter as much, seeing as they’re always just around - they HAVE to stick around, they’re familiar. But strangers - why would they matter so much? Wouldn’t it make MORE sense to cultivate kind relationships with those closest to us? You would think so, wouldn’t you?
Today I blew it. I admit it. I was unkind. But at least I quick left before I said too many unkind things (I hope). I DO remember saying, “Okay, you got it - no more Mom for you for the rest of the night...” as I walked out the door, but maybe I imagined it (but I don’t think I did). Sigh. One more day of kindness? I think I may need to do something else here, folks - they say it takes 28 days to make or break a habit, and although I saw the finish line, it looks like I detoured right at the end. Detoured, or stopped, slowed down, stopped for water - I don’t know. I’ll sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning. Calmer, more rested, kinder, I hope.