I may need to make this a leap year, add another day at the end, making it 29, or maybe only just 1/2 day. We were having such a spectacular day yesterday - playing outside, watching Erik finish the 10K, buying new running shoes at Scheel’s, then BAM - they hit. Old pains and hurts and issues, like me on rollerblades thundering down the hill at Lake Melissa not knowing how to brake. Out of control and scared as hell. I just couldn’t stop myself, and words came out of my mouth, like, “Well, if certain parents aren’t involved, they’re never going to get criticized or attacked,” when talking with Bill about something that had come up. Even if I didn’t use names, we all knew who “other parents” were. It wasn’t about the situation itself, but all of those other times that just attached right on for the ride. That always happens, doesn’t it? If someone says something unkind to you, you are flooded with the faces and memories of everybody in your past who’s ever done something unkind.
There’s an app on the iPod Touch that’s just a series of white dots. Wherever you touch, the white dots follow your touch. You can swirl, and they’re there, in a moving swirling pattern. If you don’t touch the screen at all they just float there, waiting to be touched.
Yesterday I could feel myself pull away. I imagined that Steve was upset, too, but I don’t know. I rubbed his back before we went to bed and asked him if we’d gotten back to our kindness state. He didn’t think we’d left it. That’s the kind of guy he is. I asked him if he could feel the difference from when we were IN it to when we WEREN’T. I can’t remember what he said - I was too tired. When Rusty woke us up at 3AM (and 4 and 5 and 5:15), I still stayed kind, then slept until 10.
I feel like I’ve lost my way with this kindness thing. I don’t know how to DO it consistently. It’s hard work. I felt some excess energy coursing through me in the middle of the night, and I tried breathing it through, I tried visualizing the golden light flowing through from my head out my feet, I laid my hands over my heart, but there was still too much energy. But this morning I feel all right, and ready to come back and try again. I come back fresh with each encounter, each thought, each conversation. Is it worth it? Hey - it can’t hurt. Kindness, 28 days, every day, for the rest of my life. What a novel concept.