Well, we made it through the first week! I have returned to my original state of kindness (after only three days), and felt that warm in the middle of my stomach when Steve came down this morning. I hugged him tightly and sighed. “The market’s already dropped 250 points,” he said. I’d heard. He’s a stockbroker, keeps up with the futures at 5AM, and 10PM. He doesn’t get worried anymore, having been in the business for billions of years, but he really cares about his work and his clients. That’s another thing I love about him. He CARES. He opens doors for women, helps me on with my coat, pulls chairs out for me. He is always polite, he hardly ever swears, he always forgives. Perhaps that is what I love most about him - his ability to forgive and forget.
I have the tendency to hold a grudge. “Remember on June 8, 1993, when you said you didn’t like my clothes? That was really hurtful to me...” and suffice it to say he’s always impressed with my abillity to dredge up old hurtful events, but not remember to buy eggs at the grocery store. I’m not particularly proud of that that tendency of mine, but it’s another example of getting to do something fresh and new every day. To heal whatever it is inside of me that NEEDS to remember that June day in 1993, and just… LET… IT… GO.
I’m an M&M - hard shell on the outside, melting chocolate on the inside. They are not the same; they are not in balance. That is something I’m working on. It makes me too sensitive, too unable to forget, too hurt to let painful words just breeze by - no - the hard shell evaporates and the stings burn that chocolate right up, so that I can’t eat or think or sleep. Linda says to just sit with the pain, so I did a past life regression and found a stunning revelation. I need to sit with it, but I think just seeing the harsh reality of that life softened my outside and hardened my insides (in a good way). It allowed me to hug that person who called me a name, and genuinely smile at them. I don’t care about the name-calling! In fact, I realize I had called someone a name, so I apologized silently to them - instant karma, for sure.
I feel like I’m rambling, only it doesn’t feel like rambling on my insides. What I want to say is that I am constantly grateful and amazed at all this life has to offer if we can just keep our eyes open and stay awake. It’s hard to stay awake at times, especially now when sometimes all I want to do is sleep (physically AND spiritually). But I choose consciousness, and I choose kindness, and I choose my dear husband, day after day. I’m glad I feel that gentle energy of kindness and love again today - you can really feel the icky sticky tightness closing in when you close your eyes and do the Robot. Stay off auto pilot, fly your own plane, set your own flight plan, then trust you’ll know how to fly. It’s innate, it’s genetic, it’s in your DNA. I know that for sure. The days of letting something or somebody else fly your plane are long gone. And even though I’m a little tired, I’m really thankful to be in the driver’s seat again.