I’m packing my bags, driving to Minneapolis tomorrow, then catching the 10:36 plane over to London to spend 10 days with my daughter. As I’m typing, I notice that my head is all clogged up, and my stomach is tight. I don’t want to leave. I want to see her. I don’t want to leave Bill or Steve. I want to be with my daughter. Why can’t everybody I love just be in the same place? I remember the summer of the divorce - 1991. Kari was 5 1/2, Erik just turning 4. Whether due to anger or just being mean, my soon to be ex wouldn’t let me see my young children for the whole six weeks they were with him. It was very very painful, and I think left a permanent scar for most of us (I’m not speaking for my ex - he would have to tell you about his own scars). Knowing that the ones I loved most in the whole world would always be leaving soon is a horrible feeling. It’s probably one of the worst parts about being divorced. There’s abandonment issues and fear issues.
When Mom was sick that last year, and I was gone to Bismarck a lot, it brought up those leaving issues again, albeit not so strongly in me, but I know Bill felt them, as we spoke on the phone every night, me leaving him notes like I did with Kari and Erik, reading him his nightly bedtime story, telling him to put his hand on his heart and feel me there. It’s all kind of bullshit, because nothing is the same as physically BEING there. Yes, Mom’s with me, yes, all my children are always with me, whether we’re together or not, yes yes yes, but there’s still this PHYSICAL thing that clouds us sometimes, creating a longing so fierce that we can hardly catch our breaths. I want to run - to be with Dad, with Kari, with Erik, with Bill, with Steve. I want to BE with ALL of them, ALL the time. Bi-locating is an option, but there needs to be more than two of me. How about 10? or 20? If I’m not needed to BE with all my loved ones, can the extra me’s do other work? My bumper needs fixing, I need an oil change, I need to find somebody to clean our house, I need to go to the grocery store.
Is that at the bottom of all of this? This feeling that it needs to be ME all of the time? That Bill and Steve can’t possibly function without me here? That everything will be all right if I’m with Dad, that this permanent ache in my heart will be soothed if I’m with Kari? I don’t know. It’s all so much right now, these FEELINGS. I don’t want to be feeling them, and that’s also part of the ‘problem.’ When we run away from the uncomfortable stuff, it only circles around bigger to bite us in the butt. And I’ve been feeling a LOT of butt biting lately, let me tell you. So I won’t bi-locate, or want to, but maybe instead will come Home to myself, center, be here IN me, in MY life, and open it up to include everyone else. Is it like always visiting others and never being home? What if I stay home for a while and invite others to come visit me? Is that it? Am I just gone from ME too much? Sigh. Probably. I don’t know. It WILL be good to spend time with my sweet world-traveling daughter who will probably never live in the same town as me for the rest of her life (but who knows? It would be great if she did) - we NEED to be together. I feel complete when I’m with her; like I have everything I need. Not in a codependent way - I don’t know WHAT way I mean, but it’s not BAD. It’s really really good - it’s love good.
So wish me luck as I travel across the Atlantic Ocean into the land of backwards steering wheels, fish and chips and the National Museum. I might not get to blog too much, but I’ll do the best I can. If not, carry on till I get back. I promise to take lots and pictures and bring everybody back a present! (well, maybe not EVERYBODY, but I’ll do my best). Cheers, tally ho and pip pip.