We weren’t too hungry, having been sort of eating all day since we’ve left home. So while I did order a chicken bagel for dinner, I ended up only eating a few bites before bed. We turned the lights out early because it was a full day in Boston, having seen whales, the Aquarium, watched two movies, and yes, eaten. But my dreams caught me by surprise. Leo, our dead cat of almost 9 years, came back to me, and I was holding him and petting him. In the dream I even said, “Hey - wait - Leo’s dead - what’s going on?” but I was in this weird dream place that’s up in the mountains somewhere, in between two someplaces. I’ve been there before. I don’t like it there. It’s the in between point when I’m in a nightmare - a place I go to try to escape from the bad guys.
Then my legs got really really hot, and I asked someone if that was okay, and they were like, “ah, no, I think there’s something wrong with you.” I woke up in a sweat. Yes, I suppose the fact that I’m almost 50 and may be having night sweats or weird hormone things may be true. But now it’s 1:19AM as I type, not tired at all, and really really tired. I’m tired of feeling scared. I’m tired of these strange nightmare dreams that FEEL real. I’m scared of wondering if my tooth is infected, after three years of teeth infections, I have little dental faith. I was going to keep working on this fear stuff, and flying out here with only Bill was brave, taking on Boston all by myself is brave, just DOING IT ALL is brave, but somehow right at this moment I’m not feeling brave. I miss my mom, I feel funny. Wow, accurate descriptions, Miss Writer, can you get any MORE specific?
Okay, right at this moment I feel unsure of myself, as if I’m in between worlds, the old world that looked a certain way, and the new world that well, doesn’t look any one certain way. It’s more like ALL ways put together. It’s the world of ‘anything is possible’, the world of what-ifs becoming why-nots. I live in that world most of the time, smiling, tickled with the miracles and sweetness. But sometimes I slip back and forth, and I feel like I don’t quite belong anywhere right now, and I don’t like that feeling. It makes me feel sad, out of sorts. I feel restless, like I want to move. Sometimes when I can’t sleep at night (which has been for almost two months now) I daydream, er, night daydream, about what I’d take from the house if we were to move. I have imaginary fights with my husband about him insisting on taking a HUGE pair of speakers that haven’t been hooked up since we met 20 years ago. I sweat just thinking about all of the boxes of junk we have to sift through, but it makes me oddly happy even just thinking about it. I think I need to do some serious decluttering, but Steve likes things to stay the way they are, packed up in boxes. I’m a fine one to talk - 90% of the junk is mine, but I think I need more forward movement right now. Maybe that’s it, just in the decluttering department. Everything else in my life is moving at warp speed. Maybe THAT’S it - it’s too imbalanced right now - some parts of me are too far ahead of the rest of me, or maybe some parts of me are the ones that are BEHIND me. Maybe I don’t really know what I’m talking about at 1:26 in the morning, or maybe it’s the most accurate I’ve been. I’ll re-read this later today and see if it still makes sense. Maybe it’s just the chicken, after all. Maybe I’m just the chicken. I don’t know. We’ll see.