I should never have gone to see “Deathly Hallows.” It reinforced just how poor a novelist I am. Why did I ever think I could ever write a novel? When I see Rowling’s genius, with the lines curving around the side of the movie theatre, I’m reminded at how amateurish and two-dimensional my writing is. Flat. Not complex and layered and fascinating and fabulous. Why not just stop now? Why even bother? It’s all been done before. Once there’s Harry Potter, what else can there be?
Only before there was Harry Potter, Rowling didn’t say, “Oh, why bother?” or maybe she did. I don’t know. I know she used to be homeless, or something like that. No publishing houses wanted her books - too long, they said. Gees. I’m stalled at 33,000 words. But I won’t give up. I just won’t. I’m that stubborn. Or tenacious. Or stupid. I’m not quite sure which. Maybe all three. So I will keep going because I am committed, or I should be committed. I’m not sure. I am willing to keep going to see where this leads. I need to refocus. Do some more tai chi. Meditate. I had more glimpses of genius when I’d done those things. I can use all sorts of excuses, such as no sun affecting me, worrying about my dizziness test (which I totally ACED!), blah blah blah. Life. Blah blah. Shut up and write, I think. Shut up, I say to my inner critic who is having no shortage of words for me. I hear her, and I think she’s actually scared. What if it’s total crap? What if no one likes it? What if we can’t do it? What if we fail? Let’s just stop. So I can turn to her and say, “It’s okay - we’ll just try it, okay? No harm in doing that, is there? Let’s just see what we can do. We’ll never know if we never try. It may be fun, and we’ll probably learn something along the way.” And I can feel her calm down a little, and that helps me, too. I don’t know how it will turn out. I want to give Bill his novel, I really do, but I don’t know what that means, or how committed I am to doing the necessary editing and rewriting that will make it a sellable product. I don’t even know what I’m going to DO with it once I think it’s ready. I can only commit to these 30 days and see what happens at the end of that. One step at a time. That is my next step. Oh, and writing 3000 words tomorrow.