Literally. The sky is finally clear. I don’t mean to make excuses (okay, maybe I DO), but I have hardly been able to get up out of this chair for the past few days. I forced myself to stay and write up to 30,000 words, and that was great, but I think my novel’s all muddled up, and I can’t see the whole thing to switch around the parts I need to switch around. I can’t SEE the whole thing. I think maybe that’s what’s messing me up at this point. I’ve got great little parts - the humpback whales speaking to Bill, his castle dream sequence, meeting his Soul Family, meeting the whirling dervish, but I don’t know how they all GO together (or even IF they go together) and I think I need more action. Definitely more action, but what? I think I’ll wait until I talk with Tania tomorrow. I know she can help.
I think that’s how I feel about my life sometimes - like if I can contain it all in my two hands it’s manageable, but if all parts aren’t right here, I don’t think I can do it. My daughter’s over in Oxford, and I feel something missing, a hole in my life, and I think it’s because I can’t GET to her right now - not unless I travel for 13 hours, that is, and that’s just not doable every time I want to be with her. Same thing with Mom - well, she’s dead, so I guess I can’t really BE be with her, anyway, but I still feel that missing part in my life, like something’s just flown out of my hands, but I can still feel its warmth. That sounds weird in my head, but I wrote it anyway because that’s how it feels, and I think it’s important to look straight at what IS so I can at least be at peace with it. I probably won’t/can’t understand it all, but I strive for understanding and peace. I trust I’ll still be able to get that in my novel. I’m not quite sure what my life will end up looking like, but I think it’s kind of like a novel that doesn’t completely get written, or finished, just constant revisions, edits and re-writes. And at the end of the day (or our lives), that’s probably all it CAN do, in the end, because it’s not actually the end of the whole book, just another chapter in one long, long, long epic adventure.