I finished editing “Dress Gray” yesterday. Yay! Now (hopefully) only one more edit before it ships off to the printers. I pull out my manila folder of blog entries and notes for my next book, “Devotion.” It’s about my time with Mom. At first I wanted it just to be the blog entries, but the more I thought about it, the more I was struck with the similarities between my childhood with Mom and that last year with Mom - the table being perfectly turned. I also think of how it was because of how Mom raised me that I am able to be who I am today, do my Work, and how I was able to be 100% with Mom for those last months with her. It’s all connected, a complete circle, so I want the book to reflect that. I’m also inspired by the cool work we did for Dad’s book - implementing photos, articles, and other items from his history to make it all more interesting. Lord knows I’ve got boxes of stuff from my childhood, so I can make it part autobiography and part story of this time in my life with my beloved mom. I’m excited, but a little scared. What if I can’t put it all together? What if I can’t finish it? What if I can’t start it? This will be the first project I’ve ever done about me. Maybe that’s the catch. As long as you keep it all at arm’s length, there’s nothing to worry about. After all, it’s not YOU, is it? It’s just stuff that you’re writing about. But as soon as you get real, strip off your literary clothes and just stand there as you are, naked and revealed to the world, man, that can be bad, can’t it? What if they criticize me? What if they don’t like me? What if they think I’m stupid?
So that gives me some very good information right there, doesn’t it? As Eleanor Roosevelt says, “You must do the one thing you think you cannot do.” Or how about the classic one I’ve used many times in my life: “Feel the fear and do it anyway?” a fabulous book by Susan Jeffers, a fabulous quote. You would think I expose myself daily, through this blog and through my column and even through my talks and workshops and trainings. And I kind of do, but not really. I’ve never just stood there all by myself. Sure I’ve told stories about myself, gave opinions, spoken my beliefs, but again, always THROUGH or FOR something, like giving a speech or answering a question for my column. I know people think I’m very open about my life, and I guess I am. I figure if we’re all honest we can be truly connected with each other. I try not to play games. I try to represent myself 100%, not just the good stuff. I try to be honest. But when I walked the red carpet for the Beautiful Women of North Dakota, I realized something VERY interesting about myself: I have a very, VERY private side to me that I had NO idea existed. It felt very tender and exposed when I walked, knowing I was walking for what I had done with and for my dear mom in the last year of her life. That was sacred time for me - it changed me beyond recognition, but I had never spoken of it much. It was just… too much. But from what I’ve heard from others who have read that little story that appeared in Chris and Billy’s book, I think I may have touched on something that needs to be spoken of, not only for MY sake, but for the rest of the world. If we’re not willing to be brave and speak, who will?
So I’m doing it, my friends - I’m really doing it. Should I share my stories here as I write them? I think I shall. How long will it take me to put this book together? Six months? Just in time to promote Dad’s book and get it launched. Shall I look for an agent and a publisher or do it myself? I don’t know. What do you think? I have no idea. I just know I’m devoted to the project, just as I’m devoted to Mom, and sometimes we just have to do what we have to do. Day one: Devoted.