means “inspired by art.” (yes, I looked it up) As a writer I’ve worked my whole life to speak with my True Voice, the clear energy that comes directly from my Soul. It’s not been an easy task. I was raised in a rather private family, probably because of our public position in the community. But I never was quite able to master the art of shutting up. Little things always seemed to sneak out the corners of my awareness, and I grew to have a sensitivity to those ‘things I shouldn’t say’ that I started suffering panic attacks, all stemming from me believing I’d said something I shouldn’t have said, no matter how trivial or unimportant. But my work with Natalie Goldberg started some really serious work with just speaking with my Voice, saying exactly what I wanted to say, without censoring, editing or judging. After four years of writing 1/2 hour every day, I really found that True Voice. I use it when I write my column, when I write here, and I strive to use it in my everyday communications with the world around me. But it isn’t always easy. Sometimes in the back of my mind there’s this thought: “I shouldn’t have said that. What if someone gets angry at me for saying that? What if, what if?” It can get exhausting. When I was nominated as one of the Beautiful Women of North Dakota, my story was centered around my final year with my beloved mom, and what happened in that year. I told my whole story, uncensored. In the book itself, there’s only a few brief paragraphs about that story, but at the red carpet book release event, they played a 10 minute mini-documentary and one of my stories was in it. I was crying (of course) because it was the story of the prayer service we had the night they took Mom off life support. We all held hands around her bed, and when we got to the Amen at the end of singing the Doxology, Mom raised her hands. It was beautiful. But then that censoring side of me came thundering in, screaming, “WHY DID YOU TELL THAT STORY? IT’S A PERSONAL THING BETWEEN JUST OUR FAMILY. HOW COULD YOU TELL THAT?” and I almost felt ashamed.
But then a braver, stronger Susie came to my defense. It is my story to tell, and I can tell it. I need to tell it. Mom’s death affected me (and still affects me) so profoundly that I’m still working through all of the levels. I’m thinking that as part of this whole journey I’m SUPPOSED to be talking - it may help me break through those limitations, those voices, that have urged me to keep quiet my whole life. Those voices that keep whispering to me that I’m being inappropriate, saying the wrong things, too much, too loudly, not doing it right (whatever ‘it’ is). So I chose instead to just breathe deeply and keep walking through it all.
I got an e-mail this morning, forwarded three times, starting with a college student to her professor, on to Deb, on to me. The student had written a paper entitled “Ekphrasia,” about the Beautiful Women exhibit. She chose my photograph as the center of her paper. I was intrigued with her description of the composition of the photograph itself, as she saw deeper symbolisms and meanings than I ever had. But again, she was writing from an artist’s perspective. She said that the photograph and my story had touched her deeply, in great part because of what she’d gone through with the death of her own mother when she was only a child. I wouldn’t have known this paper had even been written if everyone hadn’t chosen to pass it on. I don’t know who else out there has been touched by my words and story, but I’m suspecting (as always) that all of this is only the tip of the iceberg, energetically speaking. That’s how it always seems to work. There is great power in this project, and I think we are only seeing the beginning ripples as it expands outward. I can feel it.
So even though I’m still struggling with the whole “don’t speak’ mentality (which is really crazy if you know me at all - you’d think I’m just a speaking fool!), I’m beginning to see the healing underneath it all, and seeing firsthand the gifts that come when we are able to speak. Just speak. Or as Spirit has urged me, “Talk less, say more.” I’m concentrating on BOTH of those phrases right now. Ekphrasis - inspired through art. For me, it’s more about being inspired through Life. I’m sure there’s a word for that - I just haven’t found it yet.