I try to be true. I try to sit with myself and live from my Core, my Center. I try to speak truly, not automatically, not falsely, not stupidly. I try to be true, faithful, loyal, kind, gentle, respectful. I do not always succeed. Sometimes I am a bitch. I am mean. I gossip. I keep telling mean stories about people, because I am hurting from not feeling connected to them. I have a hard time forgiving. Maybe I forgive, but I have a hard time forgetting. I hold grudges. I get neurotic. Gees, I get neurotic. I obsess about stupid things. Those two little red spots on my finger. What? WHAT? So WHAT? Get over it. Go out with someone else.
I try to communicate clearly. What I mean, I say. I try to say it clearly, but kindly. No need to be unkind. No need to be sarcastic or passive aggressive. Especially if I care a lot about you, I will most sincerely try to keep the air clear between us. I have especially three friends that I trust more than almost anybody in the Universe. Shirley, Mags and Melissa have achieved friend Superstar status with me. That is no mean fete in my world of watching what I say, watching whom I say it to. Ironic to be writing so bluntly in here, a public forum, but oh well. It’s important to me to be honest. If I struggle, I assume there are others struggling, also, and maybe them just reading about my struggles may help them feel a little less alone. For that alone, I am willing to keep walking outside naked, I am willing to let you see the inside of my house with me trying not to cringe when I see the cat hair on the carpet or the dog toys strewn across the room. I trust you don’t care about the extremities, and what’s most important is the message, the core of the story, which is this: it seems to me lately that everything is magnified around me. Friends are mysteriously unfair, miscommunications are flying faster than snowflakes in the horizontal wind. But what did you MEAN? Why did you look at me like that? Why didn’t you call me faster? What’s your problem? I shake my head, trying to clear it. What’s yours and what’s mine? What’s going on? Does it matter? So I pull my energies in until I feel calm and grounded again, until I feel my energy ascend back to its proper positioning in its new Home, me. That feels better. It feels true. Better than these false feelings that creep into my head and darken my eyes. Feelings of fear, worry, hyperness. Don’t fight it - breathe into it, smile, accept whatever comes. It isn’t real. It’s just floating up into my consciousness. There - I see you. Okay now? Do you need a hug? Okay, little fear. It’s all right, everything is all right. It always is. And that is most certainly true.