Non-Violent Communication. My friend Carol had told me about it for years, and I thought it sounded good, really, but there are just SO many things going on, and not enough time to check everything out. Besides, I’m a great proponent of resonance. If I am meant to do something or be a part of something, I KNOW it - I feel it in my body. I hear something like a gong, and I know that this is something I need to do, or pay attention to. I didn’t feel that with NVC the first time around, for some reason, but at least I was introduced to it, and got to hear a little about it. I KNEW it was important, but just not for me at the time.
Then Kari started studying it. It felt really important to her, the way she passionately talked about it. More importantly for me, she started DOING NVC on me. We were sitting in Luna Coffee, and she was sharing some sad feelings she was having. I started giving her advice, about books to read, people to talk to, what I’d experienced. Then she gently stopped me and said, “I want to connect more deeply with you, and I’m not feeling as connected with you as I’d like right now in the moment. Is there a way that we can connect more deeply?” It stopped me dead in my tracks (no small feat, let me tell you) because the language was so sincere and authentic. I KNOW I was trying to tell her what to do, but my motive was pure. I was scared for her, sad for her, and I didn’t want her to experience any pain. But my communicating wasn’t helpful to her, and she was letting me know that she was not feeling connected with me. I didn’t feel attacked - shocked, maybe, but not attacked. I was then able to tell her my feelings about not wanting her to be in pain, and heck, I was in pain because SHE was in pain, so I didn’t want to be in pain, either, so if I could make her happy, then I’D be happy, too. So it started.
She let me know about an upcoming NVC workshop in the Cities, so this past weekend, she, and I and Erik all went. For me, the things that stuck with me may be simple, but they were most certainly profound. The first was the thought that we need to be gentle with ourselves first, so that then we can connect more deeply with others. The second was Linnaea’s conveyance of the connecting language. I had lightly said that watching a video of some boys walking on treadmills in time to music made me nervous that they’d get hurt. Linnaea then said, “So you have a desire for all people to be safe.” For some reason, this statement was very moving to me. I had never thought about it that way. Sometimes I thought I was overly protective, or controlling, or judgmental, but it’s true - that IS a HUGE desire for me - I wish everyone in the whole world was safe from all hurt and pain and suffering. It’s the bodhisattva in me, I suppose, but her words hits a very deep truth, and it moved me. She did the same thing for Kari, and I started crying again. At the end of the workshop, I commented that that gentleness touched me in a very surprising way (crying while I said it, of course). Later two people told me that when I cried, they were crying with me, as well. My comment had touched a place in them, as well. It was really something, and I’m not sure if I’m portraying it all as accurately as I would like, but what I would like to say is that the point of NVC is to get past the illusion of separateness between people, the place where we take our stands and tell our stories, and try to prove ourselves right and others wrong. We drop down into that place where we are all connected, and can see that our deep desires, and from that place, realize that we ALL have the same desires. Then there is no conflict. Sigh. It feels really powerful. Like where I go when I do my Work, but we’re able to be there ALL THE TIME, even with our family! Sure, it’s easy to be One with a client or friend, but my husband or child I’m disagreeing with? Not so easy. So I may be able to wiggle my way further into integration. That’s my desire, anyway, and it seems that this has struck a chord with me, so I’m eternally grateful to John Myser for bringing Linnaea in, and eternally grateful to my sweetest daughter for suggesting we all go, and eternally grateful to ALL of us for having the courage TO go. I may even make a t-shirt!!! (family joke whereas no matter what happens or what anyone says, I say, ‘oh, I want to make a t-shirt with that on it!’ Just thought I’d let you into our inner circle).