There is an odd phenomenon happening lately. Yes, it is energetic in nature - everything is energetic in nature. But this time is particularly energetic. I told my friend Maggie that I remember our beagle Mixie when she was in labor. She started dry heaving with every labor pain. That is what it feels like now - we’re all dry heaving with the labor pains. It is not a pretty sight. It is painful, and deep, and starts in my gut, tight, then works its way up to my throat where I either want to cry or want to just stay quiet. Saturday morning it was impossible to stay quiet in the midst of the storm that headed my way. I tried to remain calm, ask questions, get to the heart of it. I took it in, which is now pointed out to me as one of my areas of healing.
I ask you this: do you feel like you take on other people’s pain? Do you take responsibility for things that aren’t your responsibility? Are you open to other people dumping their pain onto you, hoping that in so doing you can help heal them? Wellllll - how’s that working for you? Wasn’t working so well for me. I have a boddhisattva complex - that is to say, this ‘service to others, don’t become enlightened until the last sentient being becomes enlightened.’ I think service to others is a beautiful, valid option, but I think I was going about it backwards, wrong, so to speak. By creating that big garbage dump for others to heave their crap into isn’t really helping THEM at all (and certainly doesn’t do ME any good, either). When I ‘saw’ it in my body, it looked like a giant, muddied whirlpool, sucking down down down. I look down and can’t see the bottom of it - even the perspective of a pinpoint doesn’t reach the bottom. So I send some white/rainbow light spiraling in the opposite direction down into that whirlpool, to bring balance. It started almost 3 hours ago, and when I check in, that white light STILL hasn’t reached the bottom of the whirlpool. I’ll keep you posted. When it reaches the bottom, it will then swirl back upward (I’m thinking) until it reaches the surface and balances everything, creating a calm and placid reflective surface on this pool that is my life. THEN, when people come to me and want to throw their trash away, there won’t be any more place to throw it, only a beautiful reflection of themselves, looking BACK at themselves and their lives. NOW I’ve actually helped them create their own healing. NOW they won’t be allowed to dump their junk anymore - they can work with it and transform it. It feels good. It feels solid. I’m thinking there’s still a lot of work left to do, but gees - isn’t that the name of the game for all of us? Realizing our humanity and healing any holes or blocks or hurts. Sometimes it’s overwhelming, okay, right now, it’s REALLY overwhelming, but I have a sneaking suspicion if I can heal this one thing, a lot of other stuff will magically heal all by itself. There aren’t any other options. If the dump’s closed, it’s closed. And that? Wow - that already feels really good to me. It’s not that I was stupid or wrong - it’s just that I didn’t know any better. We’re all doing the best we can with what we know and with what we’ve got.
We get help by listening to others, and especially by listening to what WE tell others to do - it’s usually what WE need to do ourselves. We’re just using others as our mirrors - we’re really just talking to ourselves. So much so much - so much richness, so much emotionality, so much intensity and pain, but in the end - so much freedom. That’s what I’m praying for, anyway.