Sure, I’ve strummed on a guitar, know the major chords. I played piano, french horn, and sang in the choir. But I’d never touched a cello before. A few years ago I began listening to Yo Yo Ma. I grew very fond of the deep, rich voice of the cello, like someone speaking softly but lovingly. Then I found out about Lindsay Mac, the kick butt musician who plays her cello like a guitar. Last Christmas at the Holiday Pops concert, Elise Nelson played a cello solo that moved me to tears, transporting me to that place that’s reserved for religious experiences. But it wasn’t until that dream I had a few months ago, that started me on this road.
In the dream I am holding my cello. My eyes are closed, and I’m playing the most beautiful music in the entire Universe. Only, I don’t know that it’s necessarily because I’m playing it beautifully, it’s because of the feeling in my whole body. I am completely, 100% blissfully happy. I feel like I’m in Heaven while I’m playing. I wake up, confused but very happy. Why the cello? I have no experience with that instrument. Why not the piano or the french horn? In defense of my two other instruments of choice, I have had plenty of dreams about playing those, as well. All beautiful, but nothing like this feeling with the cello.
The dream stuck with me, somewhere in the back of my life, but always present, like a secret jewel that I knew was there, even if I didn’t hold it or look at it. My life is full of responsibilities and obligations. I take good care of my whole family, I love to cook them healthy meals, and help Bill with homework. I love working with Dad on his book of memoirs and seeing my clients. But when I stopped one day and asked myself what I wanted to do right now, one of the things that popped into the front of my mind was “learn to play the cello.” Then I was stopped with panic. I can do a lot of things really well. I’m not being stuck up, I’m being honest. Throughout my life then, I’ve been able to JUST do those things I knew I could do well, and avoid much failure. One noted exception was being on the swim team in 6th grade. My crowning achievement was to be ranked number 1 in my heat of backstroke, only to come in LAST place and get disqualified for touching my feet to the bottom of the pool. Oh well.
So stepping WAY out on a limb to pick up an instrument I’d never even TOUCHED before brought up all sorts of old stuff for me. What if I totally sucked? What if I embarrassed myself in front of Elise? After all, I’m on the Symphony Board, and I’d hate it if she knew I was pathetic, and maybe the laughingstock of the whole Symphony ("did you hear about Susie trying to play the cello? Man, I needed a good laugh..."). Not that I thought Elise would EVER think anything bad about my playing - it was just MY insecurities at being shown to be a failure. I want everyone to think I’m capable, smart, talented, creative… blah blah blah. In short, I want everyone to think I’m perfect. It’s one of those things I’m working on - just being human. Suffice it to say I went into my first cello lesson yesterday with NO expectations.
Dad’s letting me borrow his beautiful cello, but until I can get it from him, I had to borrow Elise’s. She taught me how to hold it, to let it rest against my body, to have my knees gently hold it. I felt like when I rode Vinny, my beautiful thoroughbred. I explained to Elise about riding dressage, and how you communicate everything to your horse through your knees. I could feel something, but I didn’t know what. Yet. She showed me the strings, what the notes were. I started to pluck out the notes. She told me I had good pitch (I wanted to write “perfect pitch” but I really don’t know if that’s what she said), and that was good because the cello doesn’t have any frets on it to help. As I started playing, something happened. I could not only SEE the notes in my head as I played them, I could FEEL them in my body. If I was on pitch or off-pitch I could FEEL it. When I did the C scale that was simpy, but when she suggested the D scale, I just didn’t know. F sharp? Could I do it? But it felt like playing the piano - I could SEE the scale in my head, then feel it in my body. Was this experience different than my 40 years of piano playing, or my singing? Yes. Maybe it’s because of where I am now in my consciousness. I’m not sure. I only know that I totally did NOT suck at playing cello, like I was afraid of. I didn’t experience my worst fear. More than that, I felt just a glimpse of that feeling I’d had in my dream, and although I don’t know for sure, I think I may just be walking toward my dream come true, and if THAT’S true, man, I just don’t know if I can hold that much happiness in my body. But I’m sure going to try…
I wanted to play cello because I want to try something I’ve never tried before. I want to keep growing and expanding my experiences. I want to live the fullest life possible. I have more things on my Bucket List, but I have a sneaking suspicion this will be very big for me, and I’m forever grateful I listened to my heart and to my dreams and made that first call to Elise. Oh, and one last thing - I’m almost finished reading “The Soloist.” So there you go.