We all do things well. Some of us do quite a few things pretty well. Some of us are really, really good at a few things. Some of us reach almost perfection at one thing. Most of us fall somewhere in between average and pretty good. Here are some things I do pretty well. I can cook goopy rolls that will bring tears to your eyes (in a good way), I can write pretty well, I can play piano kind of well, I’m a good student when I take classes, I was really good at basketball when I played back in the early 80’s, and I’m a good mother.
A couple of years ago I had a dream. It felt very real to me. I was playing a cello, and could feel the most amazing energy flowing through me while I played. I woke up, and can still, two years later, recall that feeling. I wondered over the next year if I actually DID start playing cello it would feel the same way? I didn’t know. I’d never even touched a cello before. I knew nothing about stringed instruments. But I decided to take a chance. I’ve been playing for a year now. I don’t know if I’m good, or should I say, I don’t know how good I am, or what to judge against. I can hear myself sometimes saying, “I don’t suck” or “I guess I’m not so bad for only playing a year” or stuff like that. When I was out of town for last year’s recital, I talked myself into believing it was for the best, because I’d just embarrass myself, anyway. When someone close to me mocked me for telling someone I was a cellist, I was so shamed that I didn’t play for three months. But then I decided that I was not going to let ANYONE put me down, especially not myself.
Lindsay Mac played at the Celebration of Women and Their Music last night. Everyone was outstanding. It was an amazing night out with my goddess friends. How could it get any more perfect? I signed up to take a Master Class from Lindsay this afternoon. As I thought about it, I could hear that voice, speaking rather loudly and plainly, “WHY in the world are you doing this? Are you crazy? You don’t know how to play! You’re going to embarrass yourself! What are you THINKING? Don’t go. This is ridiculous. Who do you think you are?” Now, I want to say that this voice is not mean - it is simply very, very concerned with my welfare. It doesn’t not want to see me hurt or embarrassed or ashamed. It does not want me doing things that are out of my comfort zone, or my realm of expertise. It does not want me doing anything that may make me look bad. It only wants me to do things that I’m good at.
So I sat and listened to my voice throughout the morning. Sure, I could just stay home. I’ve been gone all week. Sure, I could finish reading “Surprised by Joy” - it’s an amazing book. Sure, it would be great to hang with my son and husband. It’s cold out, anyway. Did I really want to pack up my cello and venture out? I worked all angles, rationalized it, went back and forth, but was surprised to find myself in the end driving east to Bluestem Center for the Arts and the Master Class. My hands were sweating by the time I sat in my chair and looked at the music. What does THAT little line mean? What does that squiggly line mean? FOUR FLATS???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I almost walked out. Then I saw sweet Elise, my teacher. She looked SO happy to see me, and gave me thumbs up. I got tears in my eyes. We all tuned up, then started playing “Small Revolution”. I played in the band all through high school, but have never ever played in an orchestra, and had not been in the band since 1978. That’s uhm, 33 years ago. As soon as the music started, I was surrounded with it, and I got tears in my eyes. It was so overwhelming. I WAS the music! The first piece wasn’t so bad, and we moved on to the next three. By the time we got to “Lucy” we had some pretty awesome eighth notes that I could really dig into, like the guys in Apocalyptica (well, you know, sort of like those guys). I could feel my bowing arm loose and relaxed, I could feel my whole body moving in time to the music, could feel my fingers finding the correct notes and pitches. We finished, and I started crying again when we all got a standing ovation. I went to see Elise, and she looked so happy. I could think that part of her happiness was from knowing that SHE was the reason I was even there in the first place.
Something happened to me this afternoon. I could feel my world expand not even a little - a LOT. I had moved beyond the known world, being brave enough to just DO IT, not knowing if I COULD do it, but not caring. I just did it. And I DID do it! And it felt really really good. Just like that energy in my dream. I did it! I did, and I didn’t listen to that voice inside my head that warned me not to do it. I wonder what else it tells me not to do that I end up not doing? I wonder what else is out there for me? I’m sure there’s no limit, so I’ll just keep inching outward and see what happens. Some pretty stupendous thing, I’m thinking.