I believe we’re here to help each other - I really do. And I love helping people. I love nurturing them, supporting them, helping them by giving of my time, my expertise, my support, my money. I’ve done it my whole life. But why is it that today I’m feeling so overwhelmed, even crabby about it? I don’t know - maybe it’s hormones, maybe it’s that old energy thing that it ALWAYS is, maybe maybe maybe. Maybe not. Maybe it’s something else, and that’s what’s concerning me today. Am I getting to a breaking point? Am I all of a sudden just going to throw everything down and walk away? Enough. That’s what I feel like doing today. I tell the Universe, “I’m ready - help me - okay, here we go - okay, still ready - okay - any day now - okay...” then I get a phone call from someone asking if I’ll sponsor them to come here and give a workshop and do readings. Ironically I’ve already asked him if I could be a guest on his radio show, and he said we could talk later about it, so who knows, but it still feels like I’m getting the opposite of what I’m intending for my life. Again. Or still. I don’t know which it is. Melissa says it’s because people feel safe asking me for help, and I have such big energy that nobody ever thinks I need help, plus everybody knows how GOOD I am helping others. True true true. And yet… I DO need help.
It’s not just one thing - everything is bunching up and pushing on me and pushing me and I’m getting kind of pissed about it. I feel like it’s all up to me - taking care of Bill, planning all our trips, stuff with the kids (there’s always stuff with the kids - that’s a given, but where are the other parents in these equations? I’m not sure...). I don’t know what I’m trying to say, except that I’m 49 1/2 (almost) and I just want to do my Work, and I want to be supported and helped to get my Work out to the world, instead of being handed a list of things others need me to take care of for them, just as I’m getting to my own stuff. Oh, by the way, could you just ... and I’m not a doormat, I’m really not - I’m strong, and can say no, and AM saying no to future stuff, but it’s this current stuff that never seems to be completely taken care of - how do I get out of the middle, how do I stop being the go-to girl, how do I get help? I don’t know. I have this information that I haven’t seen anywhere in the world yet, and it’s cool, and big, and important, and… here it sits in my head. Oh, I get to blog about it, and talk about it with clients, but beyond that, the books lay half-written, the website’s not done, after 2 1/2 years, and I just want to walk away from it all right now. Just say, “I give up.” It’s one thing to get to DO the Work and get it out there, but to NOT get it out there, and to feel that longing to do so, is just too painful for me. I don’t want to want that. So maybe I give up. I keep saying that, yet it doesn’t change anything. Is anyone else feeling this out there? Is it just me? Am I all alone in my frustrations and impatience and feeling like I’m not getting anywhere and I’m needing help? I don’t know - maybe it IS just me, but I know one thing for sure today - I don’t know what this means. I’ll let you know if I figure anything out. Doesn’t look like I will - I haven’t figured it out so far, but you never know. I AM the queen of optimism, and I’m SURE there’s a pony in here somewhere, she says, flinging horse poop everywhere. Yeah - great joke, as long as you’re not the optimist covered in horse poo!