I’m so confused. I try to be straight in my communications with others. I try to say exactly what I need to say. Sometimes I tease, but I think carefully about it before I tease, because maybe the other person doesn’t ‘get’ my sense of humor and may think I’m being serious. Like the time someone thought I wouldn’t want to talk to them anymore because they had sworn. I almost said, “Well, shit, you’re right! I don’t want to talk to you anymore!” but I didn’t say that, because I could see she was in pain, and it probably wouldn’t have been that funny. Sometimes I say too many words, and the communication gets lost in the forest of verbage. I know I talk a lot sometimes. But when I say no, I’ve said no. I haven’t said yes, and it confuses me when people tell me that I’ve said yes, when I know in fact, that the answer to that particular question has always been NO. How are we then supposed to proceed? How awake and aware are we supposed to be, when we are working very very diligently to be straight with our words, aligning our actions with our words to make one cohesive package?
And what are we supposed to do when others seem to blame us for things that aren’t our fault? When my sisters got mad at another sister, how come that sister got mad at ME? When that woman did something stupid, and a friend told me to stand up for myself, how come that woman got mad at me? How come Steve got mad at one of Bill’s friends for acting unkindly, and yet the friend called ME a name? I think communication is something that is ‘up’ right now. How others see us, how we see ourselves, and even what’s working or not working for us at this time? I’m swirled right in the middle of a couple of life changes that have miraculously presented themselves. I don’t quite know what to do. It feels fuzzy still, so I’m going to wait until the fuzziness clears and I am seeing rightly what’s in front of me.
What’s in front of you right now? What are you thinking about? What are you feeling? I think we just made it through one hell of an energy ‘something’. I’m not even going to call them shifts anymore, because they feel like upheavals. How was that recent energy upheaval for you? Yes, that sounds more accurate. My whole right side of my body is still messed up and locked up, and it’s a powerful thing to feel and witness. I’ve asked to dial down the enlightenment process - that’s good, I say, that’s good for now. I’m going to rest for a few months, then I can start up again. I hope I can do that. My current thought is that I wonder how many more rounds I can go on like this? This last ‘upheaval’ really kicked my butt, and I’m hearing myself saying that more and more recently. It takes too much concentration, too much energy, too much adjusting. I want to grow, I just don’t want that to be ALL I do. I still want to read, and laugh, and think, and walk, and sleep. Silly stuff like that. And I want to be able to think straight and talk straight, so I am understood. I don’t want to have to write e-mails to people, clarifying conversations that have been twisted and turned around so that I don’t even recognize myself in them. I don’t like that. I don’t like total lies, and I don’t even like half-truths. I’m still trying to figure out if NOT telling something is the same as lying. I think it is, if you think you SHOULD tell someone something, then don’t. I don’t know. You see? It’s all so confusing right now, but, as always, I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other, but just not today. Today I’m resting as much as possible, in between the conversations and plans.