It was a progression, this getting used to Mom being dead thing, but I finally arrived at a good place. When she’d come to me in my dreams, she was younger, really alive, with a bounce in her step and a big smile. And even though a part of the dream Me knew she was dead in ‘real’ life, I knew she had helped me understand that even if we’re no longer on one plane (the physical) that doesn’t mean we’re DEAD dead - just transformed into something else. And I was okay with that, I really was. She’d come to me at least three times a week in my dreams, and we’d just hang out - talking, hugging, just looking lovingly at each other. It was really great. Until last night.
All of my sisters and I were sitting around a table looking at a computer that had some pictures of one of my nieces on it. Then Mom walked in and sat at the far end to the left of me, all excited. I wanted to tell everybody else to be quiet so I could hear Mom’s voice. It sounded JUST like when she was alive, and I wanted to just look at her and hear her, touch her, be connected with her energy. I looked from one sister to the next and asked, “Is that Mom, alive?” They all said yes. I knew something, and I could feel the thought forming in my brain. I turned to her and said, “But Mom - you’re ...” but I didn’t finish it because she was shining the most beatific smile at me, just beaming me love. I knew she was dead, but I didn’t want to say it to her (the last time I kept insisting she was dead, she said, ‘WHY do you keep saying I’m dead?’ so I believe she REALLY wants me to understand more about life and ‘death’).
But then all I remember is that familiar, dry-heaving feeling of pulling up all of the grieving and sadness and tightening my stomach muscles and just moaning out the pain. On and on. Even in my asleep state I wonder if my family can hear me, if I’ll wake them up. Finally, after several painful rounds I let out a HUGE moan and woke myself up. That old empty feeling of loss filled my whole torso and I felt like I was missing a part of my body - again. I don’t know why I have to say that she’s dead, when I see her alive in my dreams - why I need to insist on it - it always only brings me those deep grief moans from the center of my body - awful. I had a beautiful chat with her last night - she talked about the importance of staying in love, and not going to fear, as was being encouraged on the planet right now. She showed me where she was - beautiful blue sky and white clouds, as she spoke with me, but said that we ALL have our own version and vision of Heaven, and that’s what we experience. She told me she loves me and that we’re always together, and that I KNOW that, because I set it up.
So as I recall our conversation, I realize it doesn’t sound like she’s dead at all. It sounds like she’s very much alive. On some plane we get to speak with each other, look at each other, even hug. So it’s not in the MATERIAL world - it’s still real, right? Right? I think the answer is yes, and I think it’s still my current mission to rearrange my thoughts and opinions on what constitutes ‘real’ here in the physical world - to expand my perspectives to include my whole other world of senses that in a way is much more inclusive and larger than my current physical world experience. I know this from my Work - now I will translate what that means into all layers of my consciousness - with Mom’s help. Again, thanks, Mom - I love you.