But c’mon - clouds and rain for 8 straight days? I don’t see an ark around, guys, and the animals aren’t lining up two by two - give us a break, already! Is this part of our ‘lessons’ right now? Or our ‘gifts,’ shall I say? To help us break through our emotional clouds to the blue sky above us? To the sun that’s always shining, whether we can see it or not? Is this what’s causing or increasing our anxiety and fears? Lack of sun? Or shall I say, lack of Sun? Will it flood? Let’s fill a million sandbags to be prepared. Sabin’s already flooding. I can’t do this again this year, and I don’t know what that means. Emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually. But I just can’t. Or shall I say, I won’t, do it again. Should I just give up, flee, leave, run away? Okay. Bill and I will leave at the first sign of those white bags, and I’m not talking Macy’s shopping bags. Those I’d stick around for.
I should fight, I should stay, I should be a part of the team, I should pitch in, I should be a brave little fighter, well, you know what? I’m done. I’m so totally done and through and finished with all of the difficulties and hardships and fears, I’m leaving for my Happy Place. I’ll figure out later where that may be. Maybe Montana, maybe Florida, maybe Minneapolis, maybe Bismarck, maybe Oregon. I’ll ask Bill. No more people expecting me to run with the ball (here’s your balls back, people - YOU run with them), no more stressing the small stuff (we WILL get new windows and siding this summer), no more keeping quiet about certain things (yes, honey, I was kind of harsh last night, but I was being honest). I heard my small, still voice tell me one time that I should talk less and say more. Now I know what that means. I talk like a fricking idiot when I get excited or nervous, and I can’t shut up. I know that about myself. AND I talk VERY LOUDLY, LIKE IN ALL CAPS. I just can’t seem to help myself. Steve prompted me to just sit quietly and listen sometimes. He’s a really smart man sometimes, well, a lot of times. Okay, a LOT a lot of times (just don’t tell him I said that - he’d probably start dancing around me singing, “I’m really smart, I’m really smart” and I just can’t handle that right now).
Maybe that’s part of it - too much energy flowing OUT of me, and not enough staying IN me. Not letting the balance of energy in match energy out, if that makes sense. I don’t think before I act or speak sometimes (SOMETIMES - not ALL of the time). I do things without thinking if I even want to do them, sometimes just to pass time, when if I think about it there are a ton of other things I’d RATHER be doing. I’d RATHER be practicing my cello than playing Cash Cow (don’t ask - it’s a children’s game), I’d RATHER be cooking than browsing Nieman Marcus online for dresses I’d never buy, I’d RATHER be cleaning than harvesting my trees on Farmville (don’t get me STARTED about Facebook and Farmville). So why do we do those things we don’t want to do, and NOT do those things we really WANT to be doing? I don’t know. Why am I sitting inside when I could be bundled up, going for a walk with Bill outside? We SAID we would. We always talk about doing things; sometimes we actually do them, a lot of times we don’t. But today Bill wanted chicken wild rice soup, so if you could smell my house right now, you could smell the vegetables sauteeing and the wild rice cooking. So we DO do some of those things that bring us supreme joy - those little things, those important things, those essential things. I want to focus on THAT today; I want to focus on the sun shining ABOVE the clouds and stop being so bitchy about the clouds. I can’t do anything about the clouds unless I want to move somewhere where there aren’t clouds. But there WILL be clouds in that other place on another day, so I need to learn to deal with the clouds where I am. Running away won’t help. Except where the flood is concerned - THEN I’m running away, because I don’t want to move away from Fargo, and I’m afraid that the flooding is disgusting me enough TO make me want to move. And I really love it here. It’s just that extra water thing, but I know we’ll figure even that out, too, somehow. And judge me if you will - I’m just being honest, and that’s something I AM going to be more of. Oh, and brave. I’m going to be more brave, too. Because I’ve got places to go, things to do, and scones to learn how to make. Because at the end of the day, life is good. It’s very very very good.