How long can I talk about integration, strange energies, odd (I first typed “off” which is also relevant) symptoms? For a while longer, I guess. Something is slowly shifting inside of me, like a seed that is finally starting to germinate. The strange energies are perhaps what it feels like to the seed when it gets its first urge to start breaking out of its shell and grow. It doesn’t break ground right away. If you’ve looked at the beans, they open up a little, then start the little green unfurling and uncurling, instinctively knowing to head up, out of the ground. That might be where we think the MAIN growing takes place, but just as the baby grows for those first nine months hidden away inside the mother, so does that little seed before it pops out of the ground. In some ways the baby and the seed do the MOST growing BEFORE they even reach the surface. All of the basic blueprint for growth, DNA, setting of the form it will take at maturity, everything is done beforehand.
I feel like I’m about to pop up through the ground. I suppose on some levels I have already ‘popped,’ as there’s really no such thing as linear time. But I FEEL it in my insides, first this incredible rearranging, then this pervasive feeling of expansion and calm, like my little Godseed has gotten into alignment with the Universe and can benefit from the energy flowing from the Center of All. That sounds so strange as I write it, and I don’t mean it to, but I can FEEL it inside, and I’m trying to describe how I’m feeling. I’ll try again - the little seed stays a seed as long as it’s in its pack, right? it’s not until it gets placed in the ground, covered and watered that it feels the urgings to transform. Us getting placed in the ground is the preparations these past months, and the watering definitely is the Energy that’s been showering down on us, urging us, encouraging us. Actually, we have no choice really, do we? We can’t stay these little seeds of potentiality forever, can we? And would we want to, anyway? I know I don’t. Anais Nin has that fabulous saying, “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” That’s it, then, I think. We’re all blossoming, even as I look out the window at the gray sky and the wet snowy ground. Even though the outside conditions don’t FEEL conducive to spiritual change, still we grow, first inside, then outside.
I won’t lie - this hasn’t been easy. It’s taken all of my fortitude and stamina to keep moving forward when I want to curl up with a book and some tea and just sit here, motionless. I feel lost in the shuffle sometimes - this energetic shuffle as things leave, things come in, things arrange and rearrange, organize, declutter. I lose my focus, I feel tired, overwhelmed most certainly. But it IS good, it really is, and when I slow my outer world enough to notice the changes to my inner world, I’m shocked and awed. It’s nothing short of a miracle. Can you feel it? Have you taken the time? Chances are your outer world has been slowed down for the time being, voluntarily or involuntarily, so take a minute, close your eyes, just BE. When we take the time to feel where we are, it gives us perspective AND it shows us how studly we really are, to have gone this far through this much adversity. Studly is what we are, truly studly. And may not as lost as we may think; maybe just enjoying the ride for a while - row row row your boat, gently down the stream - you finish the song to get the punchline. Cheers to all on this exciting dreamlike journeying we’re on right now. A reminder? Waking up every night at 3:30, just in case we forget our unfolding dreams.