The question of the day is this: how many times do we cycle through the same behavior, somehow thinking magically that THIS time it will work, we’ll be successful, we won’t fall flat on our faces or smash into the locked door again. I can answer that - endless times! Again and again and again, but maybe THIS time, again and again. I’ve heard it said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. If a + b = c, then if you keep doing a + b you’re going to get c. If you want a different answer you have to change one of the variables. It’s that simple. Only it’s not simple. We’re used to being on auto pilot. “But this is how it’s always been, this is how I’ve always been, this is how I’ve always felt, this is how I’ve always done it.” That logic works for things like getting dressed, driving a car, doing the dishes. If you had to stay mindful and conscious for every little thing we need to do in our daily lives, we wouldn’t have time to do much beyond the basics. I understand that. I’m talking about the BIGGER issues that we have probably grappled with for most of our lives.
It’s like we have these things from past lives that aren’t quite whole or healed yet, so we look at this big pre-current Life menu and say, “Okay, I’ll take that, and that, and oh - some of THAT!” then we’re born and probably get those issues magnified and sensitized in us by some person or situation or event, in order to help us see those issues a little easier. Isn’t that just the sweetest thing ever? Okay, maybe sarcasm is one of MY issues I need to work on - as if. I’m keenly aware of my magnified things, and it seems that we are in a current cycle of getting the opportunity to just STAY and work on ALL of them until we get it. No a + b crap anymore. We’re strapped into our school seats while the Teacher looks at us and says, “Now - can you think of anything else you can try right now?” and we can’t walk out of class, or cheat off of someone else, or bs our way through. We HAVE to get it or we just can’t move on. And that’s good, I guess. No, I know it’s great, important, imperative, but still… sometimes I long for the old days of just being automatic and asleep and stupid and mindless. It was so much more ... carefree. I knew all of the dark places I could just go and hide in for a while till it was safe again, only now when I try to find those dark, unaware places I’m running in circles because there is only Light now, and I only get tired out.
Options: stop running, take a step back and see the bigger picture, think of all the things you’ve tried and see if there’s something new you can try, just surrender and see what happens when you don’t try to figure every little thing out (some stuff just resolves on its own, sometimes BETTER without our interference), see what you can let go of (seriously, you KNOW that not everything you ‘do’ is helpful for you in your life - one time I bitched because I didn’t have enough money and too much crap - the answer? Wow - solve BOTH problems in one fell swoop - STOP BUYING THINGS - brilliant). But that’s the simple answer for people who easily can try new things - for all of my future-minded spiritual energy, I’m appallingly stubborn and slow-moving down here in the physical realm. I like things to stay the same - I abhor change on the physical plane. I don’t want people or pets to die, or move, or grow up. I say all of this, yet I really don’t mind it - I just have a hard time keeping up with my life, and I guess that is the main thing. If you’re wired to run at 150%, how in the world do you ever rearrange your life to tone it down to 100%? Why do I keep doing the same things over and over, making my life sometimes just too fast to hang onto? Steve asked me that last night: “Why do you keep adding all of these things to your life? You just do it, I don’t know why.” He wasn’t being mean, just kind of mystified, trying to understand his wife of almost 15 years. I looked at him sympathetically. Poor guy, but at least he only tries to figure me out a couple of times a year, otherwise it would just be too much for him to ponder AND live his life at the same time. I feel for him. I live IN my life and it gets tiring sometimes. But only sometimes. I think I’m slowly getting the hang of this life thing. I sincerely hope so - I’m 49, only have half a lifetime to figure the rest of the stuff out. Maybe I’ll try g + 3 next time and see what happens. I’ll let you know, for sure for sure. The only thing I know is the answer will NOT be ‘c.’ I’ve already done that equation a billion times. I’m ready for some new equations.