I held the two little brown pills in my hand, then popped them into my mouth and swallowed them, no water. Dulcolax. Phase One of my ‘cleansing’ before my colonoscopy. Lovely. I am so looking forward to all parts of this process. Not. I am thinking about new attitudes, breathing deeply through the anxiety that is waking me up in the middle of the nights these past few nights. Time sprints to the appointment time. Stop. What’s worrying you? Fasting. I get sick when I don’t eat every 3 hours or so. Taking a huge amount of laxatives. My system is sensitive and I don’t want stomach cramps, faintness, or to mess up my good bacteria...again.
I am 50. I need a colonoscopy. Just to check things out. Fine. I’ll do it. I won’t cancel. Every cell in my body aches to cancel, or just not show. Or something. I want to time travel so it can be 25 hours from right now and I’ll be on the other side of this thing. I feel something rumbling low in my abdomen, but I’m not hungry yet. I decided to turn this into something for my benefit, rather than another scary thing that causes me anxiety. I’m tired of feeling scared. I’m tired of feeling like a victim to my body, scared of every ache and pain. Those two little red dots on my finger that won’t go away. So what? The weird stinging on my upper jaw. So what? The swollen red spot on my little toe. So what? Sick of it all, switching fear focus as the minutes click by. Enough.
I make this a cleansing, symbolic for everything in my life that I want to get rid of. With every trip to the bathroom I release more of what is no longer wanted in my life, carried away with every flush. I make it this. But as I lay in bed I decide to have a little talk with myself.
“Hey - what’s up?”
“Not much. Just doing my thang.”
“Nervous.”
“Yup.”
“I’ve got an idea. Are you game?”
“Uh - sure. Tell me about it.”
“If you promise something, you will have an easy time of this whole process. Will you promise?”
“Depends on what you’re asking me to promise. What is it?”
“Because this is all about cleansing, decluttering, and shifting into higher frequencies, you really need to get a handle on your materialism and acquisition tendencies. In order to represent healing that once and for all, you have to promise never to buy a Louis Vuitton Speedall 35 bag with carrying strap. You can’t look for it online, or buy it. You can’t sneak about any of it. You may receive it as a gift, but you can’t ASK for it. Do you promise?”
I think about my latest project. I spend one year researching each Louis Vuitton purchase, then pick an occasion to buy it. The last LV was in honor of me getting my tooth pulled. This would be an AWESOME event to get the bag, totally justified! But then I think. What next, after this LV? Another one? An expensive scarf? It’s Veggie Tales all over again - I’m Madame Blueberry. More more more. How do I like it? Yes. I see it now. I need to promise. So I do. We’ll see what happens. I’m kind of sad. I can see my LV in the overhead compartment on my European trip. I really can. I’m gifted that way. But it’s okay. It’s more than okay. It’s about time.
The rest of the day? We’ll see. It will be fine. I’ll make it through. I’ll let you know more tomorrow. But for now - no more eBay or Louis Vuitton website for me. No Keepall 35 with shoulder strap. Just this life with joy.