Last Wednesday I went to blog, and there was no website. I tried three times a day; no website. I sent e-mails to my website god (thank you, Phil), and he wrote back that my website had expired, but was up and running again. I wrote into dead space; there was nothing there. I paced the front room, felt nervous, unfinished somehow. Can’t get my blog out? What does this mean? [said in Double Rainbow voice] I did laundry, did the dishes, cooked a double batch of chocolately chippy cookies, wondered how all of you were doing out there in cyberspace during my absence. I felt the absence. I thrive on connection. Then I got to wondering: is this happening in any other areas of my life right now? I sat down to meditate for four hours on Monday, curious to see what would unfold.
I found myself being led (by whom? No clue) to a huge stadium made of white stone. I wanted to sit in the back, way up high away from the field, but no, I was led to the center of the field. As I breathed I could feel the Universal Energy flowing through me, grounding me (which I desperately need). I wanted to rush ahead and start praying for others on my list, but pulled back to just get filled up. It took about a half hour. I realized I’m used to rushing through most everything because there’s always something else that needs to be done (crap - I have to order some green tennies for Bill’s talent show tomorrow). But I decided to try something different and just SIT. It was uncomfortable, foreign, too much almost.
Eventually I could start connecting with my sweet husband, children, pets, then sisters and dad, and out and out the ripple went. I could feel the cords of connection linking me with everyone I thought of, instantly. It was cool. After two hours, however, I became inexplicably tired, and I’m quite sure I dozed off for a while. I want to do the meditation again, but maybe not for so long. So what connections have expired in my life? I don’t like to work too much. I like being with my family. I am not such close friends with certain people anymore. I like spending more time with those I’m closest to. I don’t worry so much about the global things. Don’t get me wrong. I pray and send healing and energy to global things, but I try not to worry. I ask myself: is there anything I can DO about it? If the answer is yes, then I do it. If the answer is no, I always pray. We can always pray.
I take a moment right now to just FEEL myself in my body as it is in this moment. I feel different than I did a moment ago; certainly different than I felt yesterday. The connections have changed. Some are stronger; some are weaker. I find myself using semi-colons a lot this morning; they link dissimilar phrases together in a sentence. Things can be in the same sentence but not be so connected. Hmmmm… I don’t know. It’s all just different today. The sky is as white as the snow. There is no wind. My puppy is lightly snoring in her open kennel and I’m waiting for the laundry to get done. I take a deep breath, and enjoy the stillness of my day. I am not expired; I am here.