I just didn’t know. How couldn’t I know? Why didn’t somebody tell me? “Because back then nobody could tell you anything,” my sweet husband offered. “Seriously?” I asked. “No,” he answered. “You were kind of mean back then,” my sweet 10 year old answered. “Seriously?” I asked. “Kind of,” he answered, cautiously.
I got back all of the videos, now put neatly onto DVD’s. I started watching yesterday afternoon. The ones of baby Bill were precious - I remembered him being that little, with those huge eyes, cute pug nose, and white blonde hair. I remember Kari cuddling him in blankies, and Kari and Erik swinging him in the blanket, and bouncing with him on the tramp, and going to the park, but I don’t remember my hair being that awful! Short short bangs with a whiff of longer bang over that, the back cut high like a boy, me saying into the camera, “I told the stylist I wanted something saucy,” my chubby face and body, my short elastic waist flowery pants and Doc Martens. I’m inwardly cringing even writing this, thinking that somehow you all can see the horrible images I saw yesterday. I used to dress in miniskirts and high heels, my hair long and curled, full makeup. That was in my early 30’s, for sure, but how could I have transmuted into this Momzilla monster without me even realizing it? Why didn’t somebody tell me, for god’s sake? Was I blind? Did I not care?
This all leads me to my current thought: what do I REALLY look like now, 50 pounds lighter, 10 years older, gray hair dyed a light brown, Black Converse sneakers and jeans my daily uniform? Do I look ridiculous? Will anybody have the nerve to tell me? If they did, would I listen? How clear is our lens for ourselves and our lives? Is it possible to see things as they really are, and what does that mean? Is it only in looking BACK that we can see what really WAS? How can I be sure I have clarity in my life today? Can I be that different than I was those years ago, and why in the world do I keep morphing every 10 years or so into totally different creatures, hardly recognizable from era to era? It’s a mystery, to be sure, and one that intrigues me as I walk forward in my spiritual life. I preach clarity, I revere clarity, I seek clarity. Am I clear? I’m clairvoyant, which means “clear sight” but do I extend that to myself? I think I’m a touch chubby, gaining 10 pounds over the last year by not exercising anymore. I see more lines around my eyes, and my hair is grayer.
Who are we, anyway? Why are we the way we are, during those different stages, and do we even want to stay the same? Seriously, I know people who just never change - they always look the same. But me? I think I keep looking like totally different people, I even FEEL differently when I look at myself, like I’m looking at someone else. So so odd. I guess it’s just part of the journey to self-awareness, this acceptance of our different selves, and our continuing Work on seeing ourselves as we truly are, in every moment of our lives. Not good, not bad, just as is. Maybe that’s my ‘problem’ - thinking there’s something wrong with my continual changes. That would be funny, because that’s at the center of my Teachings - that we are in a state of constant change, and change is good because it means expansion. I just hope to gosh that me of 10 years ago was actually more expanded than the me of 20 years ago. It doesn’t feel like it right now, unless you count ‘expansion’ to mean 50 pounds heavier. Wow - it’s just so big, so much to comprehend. Seeing what is: I’ll go close my eyes and check it out a little more. Seriously, though - you should SEE those videos (or maybe not).