I’m the queen of optimism, of holding the light and helping support others. It’s what I DO. But I am human, and lately I’ve been so bombarded with ‘stuff’ that I find myself unable to keep on top of things at the moment. So I share it with you, in hopes that if you are feeling at ALL the same as I do right now, we can find some comfort and connection, and maybe even some understanding.
Kari’s beloved rat Zoe died in her arms on Christmas Eve afternoon. It was all sadder than you could ever imagine, but that is her story to tell. But I will say that it made for a very sad Christmas Eve. While I was clearing the dining room table I picked up a bag of sewing and dropped it on the floor. I felt a sting under my left thumbnail. No big deal - one of the sewing pins had pushed in there. Ouch, but no big deal. I didn’t even notice it for the rest of the day. In fact, I forgot it had happened at all. But by yesterday afternoon it was throbbing in pain. By the time we went to “Avatar” last night (FABULOUS movie, by the way - but that’s food for another blog entry), I had to hold it up because I could feel my heart beating in it and it was hot. I haven’t been able to sleep lately, so after only two hours of fitful sleep, I was up at 3:30 with a swollen thumb. Sure, maybe don’t worry, but that’s just not right, is it? So I went in to the ER and they said I have cellulitis, an infection under my skin. Seriously, that has never happened to me in my entire life. What are the odds? What a coincidence. Probably not. So I get scared and think of all the horrible things that could happen, even though physically I’m feeling better than I’ve felt in about 5 years. I look at my sweet thumb, still novacained up, but sausage-like, spotted red and still hot, and I think, “Dear God - how much MORE do I have to go through right now?”
I wonder why we can’t ALL just have a little break from the dramas, the worries, the fears, the endings, the transitions. Yes, it’s all fabulous, we’re WELL aware of that - we’ve been hearing that for five years now, but right now I’d take calm over fabulous transformations. Just for a while, as I hear my 10 year old STILL coughing (after four months) in the TV room. Too much too much. Well, the house will just have to wait to get cleaned, as will the dishes and the laundry. I can’t even write anymore, or hold a cup, so here I sit, still in my jammies for the fifth day (don’t worry - I’ve taken several showers and even changed out the jams, but can’t quite lose them completely for some reason), wanting just to go away somewhere, wondering what I’m supposed to let go off, trying not to get scared or worried that this infection will lead to anything else, wondering why I have to get my tooth pulled, why why why.
It’s pointless, I know, to ask why. But I ask, anyway. But I want to tell you one thing that I know for sure. And I want you to hear it so that when you feel like you just can’t do this anymore, when you feel that it’s too much, that you’re tired and discouraged and frustrated and scared - everything is all right. It’s ALWAYS just perfect, whatever it is, whenever it is, whatever it is. There are no coincidences or accidents - everything is unfolding by some Divine Design. What that is, I have no flipping idea right now - honestly it all just looks just like mumbo jumbo and I’m just trying to keep from going under for the third time here, but I’ve switched to treading water instead of trying to move forward. I may need to float in a little while, just float on my back and catch my breath. I won’t give up. I won’t give in. I’ll be just fine. And so will you. But (and that’s a big but) a little break WOULD be nice right about now - I’m not going to lie to you. Seriously…