Thank god for Melissa. I called her yesterday and she let me (nay, encouraged me) to just let it all out. I cried so hard I think I snorted out loud. My tears and sadness weren’t about this particular situation, but about some strange events SURROUNDING it. Innocent people getting hurt, innocent people maybe volunteering to step up and help others with their lessons. I’m not quite sure what all of the pain was about, but I also strangely don’t feel like interfering in anyone else’s life. I don’t feel like trying to control or ‘help’ or make anything better by doing anything. All I want to do is love, encourage, inspire and support… from the sidelines.
But my stomach feels differently, and by the time I got home from the dentist’s (Dr. DeBates - you are the kindest doctor/man on the face of the earth - eternal thanks for your gentle understanding of some stressful times), my stomach was so queasy I could only drink water. Great for my weight loss (only 5 pounds to go!), but not so keen for my sweet stomach. I get quiet, close my eyes, and ask my stomach what I can do to help her. She answers, “Let’s release what isn’t yours to keep. Let’s give it back to whoever it belongs to. If no one wants it, throw it out and let it transform into something beautiful and productive. Whatever you choose to carry isn’t helping. It never did. It makes me sick.” I’m surprised. I thought I’d dealt with that crap a long time ago. Apparently not. So I sit (again) and state the intention to release whatever isn’t mine, and whatever isn’t in my best interests. It’s not instantaneous; I still can’t eat supper, but over the evening I can feel the aches, the queasiness, the fatigue, lifting.
I’m wondering if we aren’t all dealing with this stuff at some level. I think as humans we are raised to take care of others, consider others, nurture others, DO things for others. We’re considered self-centered if we put ourselves first. But think about it: SELF CENTERED is the only thing there IS! Shouldn’t our selves be in the center of our lives? If we don’t take care of ourselves, we need others to take care of us, then we’re all going around doing things for everyone else, and nobody’s getting anything. We’re all just giant energy drains. But if we close off our own drains, and let Divine Energy fill up inside of us, then we HAVE energy to give to others who may need a little boost now and then. But not permanently. We can’t give of our time, effort, nurturing on a permanent level. If someone is hurting, they eventually need to get help to close that hole inside of themselves. No amount of love or energy from the rest of the world can fill that up for them.
I think that’s the lesson I’m working with right now. Understanding that. I’m a slow learner. Or a hard learner. Or a core learner. Whatever you call it. I think it takes me a long time to really learn something all the way through me, but once I learn it, I really learn it. That’s the good news. In the meantime, I focus on my stomach, softening it when I feel it tighten, focus on my jaw, softening it when I feel it tighten, and continue to have faith that I will keep navigating through this storm. As Winston Churchill said, “If you find yourself in hell, keep walking...”