I have been feeling very human lately; scared, worried, stressed out. I have been walking down future roads to dramatic conclusions, growing my what-if monsters to giant proportions. I have crashed, yes, crashed. But even in the exact moment of my crashing (definition: feeling totally overwhelmed in the moment), I also know and feel another side of me, as if a BIGGER me is standing off to the side, or more like the smaller ‘me’ that’s crashing is contained WITHIN the larger me, but is limited in every way. I dwell in the large me, but sometimes act as if I’m still just the mini-me.
It’s kind of cool, kind of strange, to feel like two people at the exact same time, and I think all of my previous experiences and training has led me to this moment. Hopefully it’s my leap to integration when I no longer have to visit that smaller me that doesn’t trust as completely as she should, believe in limits and conditions and the finite. But the question still remains: how to stay in that expanded state that I know is the true reality? That’s the trick. Life situations seem to be coming in bigger waves, and faster.
When I was five years old we visited my grandma in Florida. I loved it there. The ocean, the warmth. I didn’t know how to swim yet, but loved to splash around in the shallow water. I loved the way the waves would just roll up gently and lift me onto my tiptoes, then lower me down again. But one time I was facing away from the ocean and a big wave came splashing white tipped and knocked me over. All I remember is seeing the sand up really close and tasting saltwater. As soon as I stumbled to my feet another wave came to knock me down again. I was caught in a cycle and couldn’t get up. I panicked, wondering if I would ever be able to get up again, or if the waves would just keep crashing. Obviously I DID get back up, but it feels like that now - I do fine when the waves are gentle and far apart. But maybe the bigger question is: why aren’t I surfing? You need big waves for that - the bigger the better. The big difference: you ride the waves, on top, you don’t stay below and let them crash over you. That’s not only not fun, it’s dangerous.
So today I’m thinking about how to integrate my two personalities: the five year old scared by the waves knocking her into the sand, and that cool chick in “Blue Ice” that surfs in Hawaii. Sometimes it IS fun to splash in the surf, but when the big waves come, you better get your surfboard out, because you can’t hold back the ocean by standing in front of it, holding out your hand. Nope - sometimes you just gotta ride…