I asked for a dream to help me understand myself and what is happening in my life right now. I dreamt we were all in this big beautiful ocean. There was floating green seaweed on top, the water was warm. I was swimming naked, loving the feel of the water flowing unencumbered over my body. I dove and splashed and swam forward and in circles. I thought, “Now THIS is the way it’s supposed to be.” Although I didn’t see anyone else around me, it felt like there were others like me. But as we made our way forward in the ocean, we came upon a floating building that had just openings for windows, no doors, and we were all supposed to get in line and walk up the stairs in this building. One by one the people got out of the ocean, IN SWIMSUITS, while I stayed in, treading water, dreading getting out because I didn’t have a swimsuit on. But for some reason I thought I HAD to get out of the water, so I fashioned something out of a piece of cardboard that laid across the front of my body, and shaking, I stepped onto the platform and started my ascent, hunched over and grabbing onto the cardboard for dear life, aware of the others laughing and comfortable in their swimsuits. I realized not only didn’t I want to be in a swimsuit, I didn’t want to be walking the stairs in that stupid, useless floating building out in the middle of the ocean.
If you don’t get out of the water, you don’t need a swimsuit. In the water, everything is clear, but somehow you’re not naked, you don’t feel exposed or ashamed. In the water it’s GOOD to not cover up with anything artificial - it just gets between you and the water. I was so happy just being in the water. Somebody had built this artificial structure in the middle of the ocean and told us we had to walk up the stairs. There wasn’t anything IN the building; it was just a shell, like a not-quite-finished apartment building. Where were we walking TO? Was there anything better than the ocean? I didn’t see anything BUT the building, so I think it was all a lie. I think the building was constructed to get us out of the water, away from our Home. I think someone fed us a bunch of lies that started with, “THIS is the RIGHT thing to do...” and we stepped out of the Water and started the dry climb, further and further away from the Water.
So I don’t buy the swimsuit/building/climbing out of the Water thing. I did it anyway, albeit in a faulty cardboard ‘swimsuit.’ Maybe that’s why I just can’t toe the party line, why I never quite fit in. I don’t DO the swimsuit thing. I don’t want to play the game like ‘they’ say we should. So why not jump ship and get back in that Ocean? Throw away the cardboard, never mind the laughing and derision that may accompany me leaving. Never mind them looking at my nakedness because I refuse to cover up and be somebody or something I’m not. That’s my Work - to see behind those illusions, those ‘swimsuits’ to the REAL person. No wonder I couldn’t fake it. It’s just not who I am, it’s not what I do.
So here’s to throwing off the cardboard, and for that brief embarrassing moment that we’re still in the air in that illusionary place, smile and suck it up as you run for the window, knowing that it’s only a momentary transition, then swan dive back, back into the Ocean, YOUR Ocean, THEE Ocean. Man, what WERE we thinking, anyway? I have no idea. But it’s sure good to be back…