I am a sentimental person. I have difficulty letting go of things - whether they be people, things, houses, memories, or dreams. It doesn’t make much sense, because it’s impossible to keep grabbing things without quickly running out of space in your hands. You need to let some things go in order to receive new things. Just imagine your house if you kept filling it. Well, I guess there ARE people who do that - they’re called hoarders, and Oprah’s done at least two shows about them. It’s a psychological condition. So maybe I have a psychological condition. Maybe it’s called sentimentalism.
The truth is that no matter how far out into the stratosphere I travel with my Work, or with my Soul, I long for stability and comfort and routine here on the physical plane. I don’t like change. It’s painful to me. When my mom died, it has left me with a permanent empty space in my world. I have not filled her space with anything else. I can’t. My house is filled with things. Beautiful, priceless (to me), funky things that I cannot part with. Well, some of them I can, but I seem to quickly fill the gap with 10 more similar things, so why give away the one thing in the first place if I’ll only replace it with 10 more things? Mathematically that doesn’t make sense.
I was talking with a friend about addiction the other day. Truth be told, I’ve been talking with SEVERAL friends about addiction over the past few weeks. It seems to be a topic that’s painfully ‘up’ for a lot right now. Drinking, eating, shopping, relationships - those are four big ones. I definitely grapple with those last three, sometimes eating WHILE I’m shopping WHILE I’m with my family - that way I can get all three addictions met at the same time! I make it humorous, and it really IS, but I suppose I should be more serious. Or not. Being funny for me is a gentle way of easing into the Truth of any given situation. I think also if you can laugh about anything, you can HANDLE anything. I laughed really hard at a lot of things right before Mom died, and immediately afterward. What did I laugh about? I can’t remember a single thing. I just remember laughing. It probably kept me sane.
Are you laughing much these days, my friend? Are you able to find the humor in any situation you find yourself in? I have to have major dental surgery tomorrow morning, and it’s been over 5 years that I’ve been ‘working’ with these teeth issues. Root canals, re-root canals, extractions, bone loss, bone grafts, implants. The fun just never stops!!! See? Humor can be good. I also think it’s amazing that my sweet husband has now had problems with the exact two same teeth that I’ve been having trouble with - the first molars on the bottom. Coincidence? I think not. I actually apologized to him last night, and told him he could stop being so empathetic with me, so that he manifested the same tooth problems. I laughed. Him? Not so much. He’s not to the humorous stage yet, but I’m confident he’ll get there. After all, he’s married to me, and that’s just one big laughfest, let me tell you!
At first I was worried about my upcoming surgery, but then something inside of me girded (whatever that REALLY means - it sounds weird), and I said to myself “NO! I will NOT be afraid any longer!” In light of 2011 being my self-proclaimed Year of Living Fearlessly, I’m starting a few weeks early, and breathing fearlessness into my dental work. I called on some spiritual warrior friends of mine to suggest kick butt songs to put on a “Fearless Playlist” to play while they’re doing the dental work, and one goofy friend even suggested “I Wanna Be Sedated” by the Ramones, so I of course added that one. There are some other classics, like “Crazy Bitch” (had never heard it before, but man, it’s a doozy), “Down with the Sickness”, “Hey, Soul Sister” and other really fabulous ones. Through this process, my musical repertoire has expanded a hundredfold.
The piercing beauty of truth is that I am not interested in self-preservation anymore. I’m interested in self-exploration with a capital SE. I’m interested in striding confidently through the unknown territories of my life, my Soul, and the earth. I’m interested in finding out how to feel confident and calm in any situation, how to overcome traumatic memories and heal them. I’m interested in becoming a nicer person without vendettas or grudges. No, I am not always a nice person. I’ve got a pretty nasty mean streak if I’ve been hurt. My next huge leap starts tomorrow morning. Taking a deep breath, I will gather all of my fabulous friends close to me in spirit and march into the doctor’s office, iPod in hand. He will hear some pretty goofy songs blaring out of my iPod, but that’s okay. Maybe his music repertoire needs expanding, too. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I’m taking action, moving forward confidently, and no matter what comes up, I am facing it with Truth as my sword, and Love as my shield. Wow, that was corny, but you know what? I’m not going to delete it. Just like my life. Live with the corniness, embrace it, then keep moving on. It IS all good, because it’s ALL god. And that’s MY piercing beauty of truth.