Yes, I know times are intense. Yes, I’m aware that things that need to be healed are now coming up full-force in order to be dealt with. I’m okay with that. What I wasn’t prepared for, however, was the ten-ton force with which every single issue in our family came up at the same time, spewing up like a volcano. And out of nowhere. It all started with with me asking if it was okay to go to a zumba class. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked. So how do we navigate these tricky waters? When issues are 20 years old, and we’re set in our habits and patterns. How do we bring fresh connection and communication to the table without dragging all of the “you did this to me 15 years ago” memories into play again? It renders both sides paralyzed, unable to move forward if the other doesn’t recognize growth and change in the other.
I attended the non-violent communication class, and I was able to walk down that road a step or two before being shell-blasted 20 feet into the air. Too much too fast! I think it’s probably still possible, but sometimes it just ALL feels too difficult. And unfair. Why do I have to deal with all of this crap? Why can’t it just be easy peasy pass the spaghetti and how are your day today? But nooooooooooo (as Steve Martin would say) - we’ve got to ‘heal’ the hurts. Maybe healing hurts is overrated. Maybe it’s okay just to sit on our stubbornness and unwillingness to be new and open. Maybe all those other people have the right idea - don’t talk about it, don’t deal with it, sweep it under the rug. I admit it - I’m human. Some days I just want to do a certain hand gesture to these issues and just walk away from them, never to look at them or deal with them again. But I can’t. They’ll find me, just like the man in black in my past nightmares whispering, “No matter where you go, I will find you.” So THAT’S a happy thought, then! I ‘get’ to deal with all of this, no matter how painful or hurtful or tiring or emotionally draining it all is. Yay for me. But could I get a little help here, so it doesn’t feel like I’m in it so much all by myself. My dear daughter is a trooper, right by my side in all of this mindful communication stuff, so I recognize and thank her for her heroic efforts. In fact, it was through her that I was inspired to start the whole non-violent thing in the first place. But beyond that - help!!!!!
It’s all good, yes, I know that, but c’mon - in the midst of everything ELSE going on! Seriously - I cried last night driving home from the beautiful Symphony concert, missing my mom for some inexplicable reason. Maybe because she was the one I used to call when things got tough like they are right now - I could tell her anything, and I knew she would listen, and love and support me. She cared about my every day struggles and was my cheerleader. I need a cheerleader. I’ve got Linda, my therapist, and come to think of it, that’s pretty good right now. So I take it back - I DO have help and support, but STILL in the back of my mind I want to scream at certain people, “WAKE UP!!!!!” But I won’t, because I’m nice. But still - some days…