That’s the main question I’m asking these days, and it doesn’t have anything to do with spaghetti or pizza. It’s the most basic question in the world: what energizes you, sparks you, lifts you up, excites you, makes you want to get up in the morning, makes your soul sing? Do you know? Do I know? I thought I did, yet I watch as my enthusiasm for different things falls away faster than a mosquito in a freeze. The weather changed in a second - one minute it’s warm and sunny and everything is out and growing, and the next minute the snow covers everything and the green buds falls off, the little flies die mid-flight. Just like that.
I love change, I thrive on it. I hate change. I like things to stay the same. I want my children to be happy, travel the world, grow. I want them to live close by so I can see them a lot. I want to travel all the time, I want to move, I want to remodel my house and stay here forever. I want to write my book, books, and not have to do anything else. I may quit writing my column I’ve done for four years. Does it feed me? Does traveling feed me? Does writing feed me? What feeds you? If something doesn’t feed you, maybe it’s time to move on. How do you move on? Gracefully, waving adieu as you lean backward, smiling, sailing out the door? Or sniffling and snorting and screaming, clawing at the door as someone rips your hands away, your feet scraping on the ground? Noooooooo, you scream. I don’t want to go.......
I know we SHOULD do it the graceful way - realize it’s time to move on, and just go. But it’s not that easy for people, well, for me. I cried last night, telling my sweet, patient, kind husband, “What if everything just keeps falling away, and there’s nothing at the end of it?” Now, if any of you know me, you might be laughing at this. Just because I’ve quit two PTA positions, and may be giving up my column, I have nothing left? I still wouldn’t even approach a ‘normal’ life. I’ve got my daughter’s wedding, my dad’s book promotion and tour, my 10 year old, my work, my writing, my cello and Italian, my trips. Nothing? Maybe my biggest fear is that if I’m not living a 200% life I won’t be worthy, won’t be productive enough, won’t be contributing enough. I have to be running my butt off because I’m different than everybody else. It’s expected of me. Is that what I think? Really? I’m afraid that might be the truth. I share it with you only because I think it’s only in telling the truth that we can even begin to heal or change something in our lives.
Can I tell the truth that needs to be told? Can I do what I need to do (or NOT do) and still be ‘good’? What does ‘being good’ mean? I don’t know. I’m going to get my license plate changed to read “inonfn” - we figured that one out at dinner tonight. I think it’s profound. I don’t know anything these days, and I’m learning more and more about all the things I DON’T know about. We know what we know, right? But how do we know what we DON’T know, if we don’t know it? I know, I know, you may have to think about that one a little bit, but these are the things I think about. No wonder I have trouble sleeping sometimes, well, most times these days. My brain is being rewired, I think, to fire in a new way, or new ways. I’m noticing that I’m a lot crabbier than I used to be. I get upset when I hear that a certain teacher tells her students never to eat onions or garlic because they rip holes in their etheric bodies, then these people are telling others that. I get angry when I hear this same teacher is also telling people they need to hang certain things in their houses to prepare for 2012, and luckily she sells all of the things you need! That makes me angry. Why? I don’t know. It doesn’t feel empowering. It feels like the same old shit, packaged in the same old way.
No more of this, “I know better than you, so listen to me.” We are our own authorities - we need to figure out what we believe. I think it’s great to see what other people’s opinions are, but when we treat someone as if they know better than us, we get into a whole heap of trouble. Does doing what you’re told feed you? Or is it someone forcing a spoonful of baby food into your mouth because they’re in charge? Isn’t it time for you to grow up and learn how to feed yourself? Figure out what YOU want to eat instead of just waiting for someone else to TELL you what you NEED to eat? How about reading the labels, researching what looks good, and how it may help you, then learning how to cook so you can move toward spiritual independence? Sure, I love talking with others about what they think is going on, and their opinions, but I don’t think anybody in this whole world knows ‘better’ than I do - nobody knows what’s going on, for sure. We all only have ideas. We’re all in cooking class, learning as we go. It’s great if someone can teach you how to whisk, but nobody should tell you you have to whisk a certain way, with a certain whisk, and you can only make white sauce because that’s the best. No - we need to learn how to use the equipment, our intellect, our intuition, so WE can create our own masterpieces, our lives.
I get so passionate about this subject, I know, but there are people out there teaching when they have only been doing their Work for a few months. They are teaching when they have only taken a weekend course. They are offering 10 different services but not excelling in any. This discourages me. I thought we were beyond that, to a place of integrity and honor and learning our craft well before we took it out to the world. I thought we were all understanding that we are ALL chefs, and we need to encourage that process and not try to get our own cooking show so we can let everyone see how great a cook we are. Life is not all Italian food, or ice cream (well, MAYBE ice cream), or barbecueing. One view is not the only view. When we become empowered, we can figure out what we want to eat, figure out what feeds us, and feed ourselves. Until that time, we’re all scrambling around in the dark, our hands out, blindly searching for the next shiny object. I know, because I get phone calls from people trying to avoid crashing so they can keep teaching and doing readings for others. They want my help. I tell them what I think, urge them to rest, scale back, integrate a little more, then I read that they’ve attended another workshop so are offering yet another service. I wonder what’s next for them. Probably another shiny class in a few months, or some totally different work. It’s hard to be centered and grounded if you never stay anywhere long enough to grow roots. Which leads me full circle again.
Sometimes you grow roots, and sometimes parts of you are pruned and uprooted so that you can keep growing. If something’s dead in your life, prune it, cut it out, so the rest of you can keep growing. Tend to your plant, your one precious life, surround yourself with sun and water friends. Smile often, be grateful, breathe, play. Be real - be angry if you’re angry, scream if you need to (hopefully not AT anyone else), cry when you need to. Be honest, be willing, be trusting. Just be. And remember to keep asking yourself, “what feeds me?” then do it.